a promise

I remember some time ago I made a promise to make someone else feel better and not worry, while I didn’t agree with it, I kept that promise, didn’t think it was right and I didn’t want to, but out of respect and love for the person I did, I kept that promise, I went, I talked, I was turned away, apparently I wasn’t ready. I wonder if I ever will be. They say it affects us all in different ways, some worse then others, but if that is the case, then why does it come in waves? Why one day your fine the next day your not. What is the deal. I just wish it would pass already. It comes and goes, I should say something, people notice it, I just don’t say anything. Sometimes I wonder if I better of not saying anything. I’m sure people would say that thats a bad thing, not talking about things. And in some cases I would agree with those people, however, I wonder, is it better to not say anything, say things in little pieces, or say everything, laying it on some poor soul all at once. What would that ultimately do?

Suclusion….do we ultimately do it to ourselves?  I’ve been in my room for the entire day, working on homework, is suclusion a defense meconism?  if so they why for some reason do I want to talk online, rather than to my roommates?  Nothing in particular to say, but why is it that way.  Do I feel so out of place with the human contact today, that I need an internet conversation?  But why is that so, I mean, I could very well go over and have a conversation with my roommates, why don’t I?  Why have I felt the need to be in my room with the door closed and watching/listening to almost all of season 1 of Alias, and now all of a sudden I’m in the mood for conversation, others are working on homework.  As am I but…I don’t.   I wonder if I want some connection so that I can really say what has been bothering me indepth, instead of a conversation half remembered.  Is the pain of missing them so much finally going to crack me, that I’m afraid if I let it out no one will catch me when I fall.  What happens when I allow myself to fall?  To become a complete reck, to actually deal with this shit.  I’ve always been the strong one, can I really give up that post and allow myself to really lean on someone else?  That then changes things.

A blog of Nothing

You know, every time I’ve signed into wordpress for the last couple of times, I’ve started on the same blog over and over again.  Kinda cool, because what I was thinking at the time no longer exist, so what better way then to just delete it.  Which is ok, it just erases what I wanted to say but no longer felt relivant.  They say that there is an oppourtunity everywhere, if that is the case, then…..I don’t know.  But then again do I ever know?  The correct answer would be probably not.  But what else is new.  If one person knew everything…I forget.  But what would the point of knowing everything be?  If you knew everything, then you can’t learn something new everyday.  For most people learning something new everyday is the highlight of their day.  Whatever…started this blog to say something, but I don’t feel like saying it, so at the moment it will be were it is.  THis I guess is were it is going to be left.  a blog of really nothing, so there it be.  A blog of nothing.

The Time.

I don’t know how to start.  Lately, it feels like all I do is ramble and at the end of some paper/blog, I finally get to my point.  But what is my point today?  I don’t really have a point.  Of course, one could wonder, if I ever have a point.  Probably not.

The time, the date, the day have passed, what that date is I don’t know.  I remember working on a project.  I remember going to a movie, I remember the shirt I was wearing, I remember the moment it happened, I remember my dad on the phone with my sister, I remember some of the people in the room, but I can’t remember the date, I know it was after 6 but before 12, I remember sleeping on the floor in my parents bedroom because my dad’s sister slept in my room, I remember sleeping in the next day (monday) because it was a late night.

The time before that, I remember the hospital, I remember watching Friends on tv, I remember sitting with him, I remember saying goodbye, I remember the room, I remember the next day, I remember where I was when I heard the news, I remember what I ate, I remember the hand signal from the call telling us the news.

I remember where I sat on the couch, I remember the phone call, I remember my roommates calling, I remember my sister coming, I remember Jason coming, I remmeber going down to work, I remember having to wake up extremely early to open the cage, I remember being laughed at by a teacher when I said I would be gone, I remember the funerals, the publicity from when they were gone, I remember the talk, all about one not about both.  He was a disapointment to one side, but was far from a disappointment on the other side, he was a brother, she was a mother, he was a cousin but close enough to be a brother, she was an aunt but close enough to be a mother.  I was told it was a peaceful way to go, you fall asleep, but what were the circumstances of others…to endure frostbite (which was inevitable) escially if you die of hypothermeia…is the book right (into the wild, or is my mother right)….the questions the questions.

its been months, years, each has effected, each I more than likely haven’t delt with, each still get me thinking.  One can think the outcome could be different.  If the dad hadn’t died years before, then the mother wouldn’t of needed help with money issues, which would cause him to break the law, which then got him sent out to montana, which then invetiably caused their deaths.  A family of 5 dwindled to 2.

In a sense this is the closest I will probably ever get to writing a letter.  it was on my mind be that as it will.

the hate

……..this half a blog, the first half I’m not so sure about………..Fucking november, I hate it, its coming. I hate it, MEA has come and gone, which probably brings in the sadness. Now I expect almost no one to understand, simply because I haven’t told many, infact I don’t think I’ve told the events, they are sad, and I won’t go into the details, to painful, whatever.

Grey’s Antomy is a great show, I love it, which even though there is alot of death within the show………There is a blog……

So much stress, so many things, so wrong, these last 3 weeks have been murder, losing a job because of stupid government funding/rules. My parents were smart and started to save for a trip, had to many investments, and my sister graduated from college, I therefore, lose a job. I hate end of october/beginning of november, its to bloody hard. And those that I know who read this are going to be are you ok, do you want to talk about it, and no i don’t, to many issues, to many things. too much shit.

it continues……………

the shit

So yeah, this week officially started off shitty as all hell. Found out on Monday that I am losing my job (being fired) because of stupid FASFA. This stupid form that ever college student must file with the government is the cause of all my problems. Basically. I am no longer able to work at my school job called “the technology cage” which for all of you non-Ai students/faculty members is basically were the school has all of this equipment for the majors and students and faculty are allowed to check out said equipment…I check it out and do various other things. All in all this was a job that I didn’t really like but did like. It had this whole love hate relationship going on. But it was a good job none the less. So yeah. this is the official word….I can no longer work at the cage simply because my older sister graduated from college and for the fact that my parents are being smart and saving. I’m being penalized for the fact that my parents have money….how sucky is that. However, I really don’t think I can complain too much simply because Ai is on a quarter base and I wasn’t supposed to work last quarter but did, so I had an extra 820 dollars in my pocket. no more. Officially until my boss boss (I have 3) comes back to work on Friday I have absolutely no idea if I am going to be able to work next week. I’m supposed to train in the new person that will be taking my hours, but we shall actually see if I’m able. However, I also shouldn’t complain too much simply because they are letting me finish out the week. The government is dumb. Half of the people that are good workers or would be good workers aren’t elibeable because of FASFA, and then that just makes people who are bad workers work the jobs that good workers who don’t really need the money but count it as a job would be good at. However, I talked to my Noodles boss today and he is more than willing to give me 10 extra hours that I would be otherwise missing out. Since I get the same pay at both jobs it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But then again, my sister said that I should look for an internship which in the end might pay me and then I could quit Noodles, which would be good because an internship would be awesome. Real had experince, however, the only bad part is that internships can end and then that leaves me without a job if I quit noodles, but what am i talking about, that is a ways a way. I actually have to look for an internship and get it and then quit noodles.

whatever.

New Topic

mmmmm….lots going on definetly blog worthy, but I don’t thinks so. All one can do is “just keep swimming, just keep swimming”

The masks

Over time everyone has devoloped their different masks. The masks help define us, yet they also hinder us when it comes to the reality of our different relationships. I’ve said it before in previous blogs, that without the masks what you see is basically what you get. However, weeks later, I wonder if that is still true. Can someone be without one masks, no masks what so ever. Nothing stops them. What you see is what you get. I’m sure there are people out there, but if life was without masks and everything is out in the open then everybody would know your shit. Is that safe? I mean granted the selected few that you choose know the ins and the outs, but if there was no such things as a mask, then everyone; the casual aquentinces; student body; co-workers would know you shit and like wise you would know their shit. But is that really safe? There are lots of things that are suppposed to be between you and a few others or you and your significant other, so with those issues in mind do the masks really help?

The masks protect us, they help define us, but they are not who we are. So if the masks aren’t who we are we are just using masks as a tool to help protect things that we ourselves are not yet ready to reveal to the world, are masks good? I’m sure there are plenty of people who say that masks are bad, but masks are really only a tool that the human body uses, to hide things that must be hidden for a certain amount of time.

Masks come and go. Once something is revealed there is almost no reason to continue with that same mask. However, if you just let you gard down and reveal what your mask is hiding, then it is just a bendable wall. Something that goes up and down when you need it. You show the world what is behind your mask and then 5 minutes later, the mask is no longer open. Its the swinging door of pandora’s box. The masks hide things which is useful, they also reveal things which is also useful.

Masks are a double edged sword, there is no winning with masks and there is no losing with masks. Life is at a stand still until that mask goes up or down. But which is better? A life with no mask? or a life with masks that are the swinging doors, which in a sense define us? Some will argue that masks do define us, but masks can only define what is being hidden. If you have masks does that mean in a sense you are inscure? But how could that be? Your not inscure about what is being hidden you just don’t want anybody to know or a select few to only know.

Is it entirely possible for a mask to have a mask. So much shit is running around one central topic, that there is the enital mask, and then a mask to cover the things that the first mask didn’t cover.

With anything, the masks, the swinging door masks, the masks that have walls that will never come down, one has to remind themselves….
“Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming…”

A mask

I am but I’m not.

Everyone has had the feeling that they are hungry but they aren’t.  I happen to have that feeling all the time.  I mean, I know I should eat, but I’m simply not hungry and then it’s like when I get to the kitchen what do I want to eat, and then just get frusterated and then wonder, I’m not hungry, why am I eating?  makes no sense because you are right back where you started.  Hungry but not.  Enough of this shit.

Life

People say everything happens for a reason.  We have actions and those actions have consequences, no matter good or bad, simply because consequences can be good and can be bad.  Life has its ups and downs.  I’ve realized this from this week.  School has just started back up, and while I wasn’t feeling well for half of the week it was ok.  “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get.”  Things change, your choices and opinions change.  Life changes, and “if you stop and take a look around your going to miss it”

So much has happened this week and it is only week one.  Had to do a few things for my mom in photoshop and import some songs for my aunt, the odd thing is, is that she could probably do exactly what I’m doing at her home office, instead she takes me out to lunch and I get lots of lunch free.  Hey I won’t argue with that.

Twins currently are losing 4-1 at the top of the 5th.  Which sucks because they really need to win this game to keep alive, and then they need to win the next 2 games to stay alive in the series.  But first we shall focus on winning this game.

Everybody has those High School friends, you guys were great friends all through high school and then when you went your different ways of college you just fall apart, simply because your lives have gone in way different directions, now there is the occasional email of course, but you no longer actually talk on the phone, and when you are home you no longer really hang out.  Sometimes you rebuild those relationships after a few years other times you don’t.

I’m constently reminded of a line from Dory in Finding Nemo “just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming” and basically that is all I can do.  Everything is out of my hands.  Now honestly, I don’t expect any of you guys who are reading this to understand why I have this line in my head, and you know what, your not supposed to.  Everyone has their little secerts and that is what makes life interesting.  Without surprises every once and a whil, life gets dull, and life is never dull in Minneapolis, there is always some sort of drama that a friend or I am going through.  Drama, Drama, Drama.  Life is nothing but drama, which in a good way is bad, and in a bad way good.  Whatever.  Life changes, you just have to go with it.

“Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”

What school has done…..

I was out of class early today, simply because it was the first day of class, basically no homework a little bit of reach, brainstorming, “the juices flowing”, which would be called research.  So yeah, bought the “thrill-ology” of Final Destination.  I would have to say from what I’ve learned in school, I can now pick out the things that were compositioned together.  For instance, when the class is at the airport and the main actor is looking out the window, the plane looks placed into the scene, the reason you can tell is because of the lighting of the scene.  Another example would be almost the entirety of the shell of the plane is 3-D.  The simple things of that school has taught me.  I mean yes, the original Final Destination was made six years ago and there have been great technicological advances in the movie industry, plus the movie companies can throw more cash into the speacial and visual effects, along with the 3-D modeling and lighting.  Now, don’t get me wrong the model was really good, it was the lighting that gave the scene away.  The lighting for some reason can give anything away.

If death has a plan for us and we can’t changed it, can we really cheat death?  Some people have, people who have survived horendious car crashes and things like that, but whos to say one is strong enough to cheat death………….I leave this unfinished. this train of though is done.

Break…..

Ha the sweetness of break.  In the end, I’m sad to see to finish like most people are when you have a break from school…work…or both, but I am also happy to see break end.

Sad to see it end simply because I had a lot of fun this break, sleepin (a lot) hanging out with people, and typical break stuff.  Also really happy because all in all I put in only like 9 hours of work at Noodles simply because someone wasn’t feeling well and I was their only choice.  Not extremely happy about working, but what can you do, money that I didn’t expect and didn’t plan on so now I can spend that money on awesome things intead of saving for more RAM for my computer or different upgrades on things or groceries.  I could spend it on dinner and go out to movies.   The usual college stuff.

Happy to see break end because I’m excited for the quarter to start.  New classes, new people, new work schudule, although working this quarter at the cage kinda sucks….7am-9am T/Th 11-2 W and 3-6 F, those 7amers are a killer, I should know, I did it for 4 days in a row one quarter.  But while I do love break, it is time for something new to come along.  I can’t really complain either because I have three actual classes and one independent study which is already a 1/4 of the way done.  Can’t complain at all.  I mean come on, Monday’s I don’t have to be at class until 2 and I don’t work before then, shall give me more time to work on things and do things that I wouldn’t normally be able to do.

Olive Garden tonight…fun stuff, considering it is my favorite resturant…a great place to celebrate the end/beginning of the quarter.  Since it was pushed back a week due to everyone being busy and having no money, and then like always to chill and watch a movie on the projector.  Great times when Ai students get together. I always have a blast.  But for now this is it, simply because it is about time to go.

Later peeps